I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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