I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Use "feeling words"
Yay
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
