Will you blow on my dice?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize