She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
