That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
