Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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