He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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