I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I didn't notice because vodka
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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