this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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