My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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