Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
