I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
