I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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