I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Say something about gay babies.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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