Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
