I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
