Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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