Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
