Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
