my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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