Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
