I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
