If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
