FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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