if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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