The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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