I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize