Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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