so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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