on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Drunk is not a location!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
