i don't like sucking hair
the condom got lost in my hair
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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