I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
