I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
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