Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
