I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
