i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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