Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
