I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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