I just pynch a tree in the face
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
