i just sold back the books i vomitted on
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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