Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS