If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
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You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
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My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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