Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS