he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
