i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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