And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
