My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just invented taco cereal.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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