Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
