see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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