Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
