i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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