Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize