Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
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I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
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Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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