I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize