i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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