Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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