My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
