you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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